*Ok, so I know it’s not a Christmas book strictly speaking but if I’m going to stretch this out over twelve days I need to be flexible.
When it comes to presents boyfriends and husbands, bless their hearts, struggle to get it right. So therefore in the classic carol, the singer’s ‘true love’s heart is obviously in the right place and he loves her enough to show her with gifts but his choices leave a lot to be desired…
So may I present, the Twelve Days of Christmas appraised by a modern, city-living girl:
1) A Partridge in a Pear Tree- Points for a two-in-one gift but a partridge? Really? A modern girl can barely keep herself alive let alone a small animal. As for a pear tree, better but can they really survive in a temperate (i.e. crap) climate such as in the UK?
2) Two Turtle Doves- Doves are just white piedgons. Vermin. If they were actual turtles on the other hand…
3) Three French Hens- What am I supposed to do with CHICKENS?
4) Calling Birds- See above. Plus they’d ‘call’ at stupid times of the day. Unless you could train them into some sort of communicative mechanism for when you can’t find your phone.
5) Five Gold Rings- Now you’re talking!
6) Six Geese A Laying- Fresh supply of eggs every day! Still, what’s with all the birds?
7) Seven Swans A Swimming- Swans are the devil’s own. Ever looked one straight on; nothing but evil intent.
8) Eight Maids A Milking- Well, given since the ICC get a bit funny about human chattels I think I’ll give this a miss. Also, I’d constantly worry that one of the maids was pretty than me.
9) Nine Ladies Dancing- See my above comments about pretty maids.
10) Lords a Leaping- Only if they were as pretty as the maids.
11) Eleven Pipers Piping- That would get sooooooo annoying so fast.
12) Twelve Drummers Drumming- I’ve lived above a girl with a drum kit before. Never again.
I should probably have mentioned my dislike of human slavery and severe phobia of anything avian beforehand.
Overall score: 2/12. If I were this girl, I’d have a quiet word with the boyf before her birthday rolled around…